EUPHIE #7: BIG BOY

  BIG BOY   [Dr. Ruth's Shame]

Definition:  noun.  The most adult of human connection; full sexual intercourse.  Penetration of the vaginal, the posterior region (aka the anuuuuuuuus), or bothsies.


Usage: Often preceding the word "sex" (ie. "Big Boy Sex") while recounting last evening's debaucherous activity.  



Example A.  (Personal Quote)
"I swear I'm totes not in love.  Like, we didn't go all Big Boy and shit."

Example B.  (In Conversation)

ROOMIE:  O.M.Gosh.  It's 11am.  Where the hell have you been?!
ENRICO:   You're talking too loud. 
ROOMIE:  Walk of shame.
ENRICO:   Shhhhhhhhhh-
ROOMIE:  You shhhhhhhh!
ENRICO:   Shhhhhhhh- it.
ROOMIE:  Are you alright?
ENRICO:   I took a cab.
ROOMIE:  Are you all right?
ENRICO:   Please stop talking.  It was a long night.
ROOMIE:  Big Boy?
ENRICO:   Big time Big Boy.       


Example C.  (FAQs) 
Q:  Does kissing count as "Big Boy?"
A:  No.  That's just middle school.  Get away from me, Miley.

Q:  But it's really romantic.  Are you sure it doesn't count?
A:  No, asshole.  It doesn't.    
 
Q:  What about oral?  Does oral sex count as "Big Boy"?
A:  No!  Everything but does not count.

Q:  Then WTF does count as "Big Boy"?!
A:  I already told you.  Everything butt.  Yes, everything butt.

Q:  So, a Rim Job?!?!
A:  Shut up.

 Your BEST FRIEND before Big Boy.

Your WORST ENEMY.

You're second best friend.  Detachable SHOWER HEAD.

 No, Shower Head doesn't count either.  Asshole.

"But it is suckxy.  So suckxy"

 

 

EUPHIE #6: THE MOVIE IN MY MIND

THE MOVIE IN MY MIND[Not Always Brokeback Mountain]

Definition:  totes popular phrase.  Derived from Boublil-Schonberg's classic lyric in Miss Saigon..... duh;  sung by fierce Gigi Von Strippers on various theatrical stages and by various Gigi Von Drag Queens at Splash.  Re-defined to mean "the way I see it". 


Usage:  Most typically used by people of power, like serious power.  Most appropriate when describing your creative process and/or astrological predictions.

Gigi Von Tragic

Example A.  (Personal Quote)
"This is the worst birthday party ever.  I said I wanted strippers not go-gos!  This was not the movie in my mind."

Example B.  (Question)

ROOMIE:  Goddammit.  Do you want to order Chinese or Indian?
ENRICO:  The movie in my mind is telling me the Ritz.
ROOMIE:  The what?!  I thought you said you wanted to stay in!
ENRICO:  Ritz! Ritz! Ritz! RITZ!!! RIIIIIIITTTTTZZZZZ!!!
ROOMIE:  Why are you yelling?
ENRICO:  Bored. 


Example C.  (Non-Possessive)

"You know the movie in her mind was like this awesome Fosse combo but all she could come up with was step kick step kick step kick kick.  Loser."

 

Second 0:24! Engineer drops a second hooker
for good measure.

 Don't believe her Chris!  
She was pregnant before you got to Saigon!
(girls against wall...staging fail.)

Nick Hytner... you gotta get a clue.  
This is the only way to stage this number. 
(also note at the line "gives me dollar bills" the modulation 
to the key of why bother...)

Living Room Paparazzi: Why You Gotta Let Youtube Buffer a Scooch

Enrico:  "I mean, like sometimes you just gotta like invite all your friends over, plug in your laptop into your sound system and dance.  I mean like dance dance.  Hellz yes.  What are you looking at?"

 

Wait for 0:09.  You won't be disappointed.

KELVIN:  Enrico, get down!

ENRICO:  Shut up.

KELVIN:  You're either going to hurt yourself or break the coffee table-

ENRICO:  There's no coffee HEEEEEERRRRRRRREEEEEEE!

KELVIN:  Seriously, get down.  

         ENRICO takes one step down.  Steps back up.  Looks at the floor.  Looks at KELVIN.

ENRICO:  Shut up.

EUPHIE #5: THE GYPSY SPLIT

THE GYPSY SPLIT[Houdini's Jealousy]

Definition:  mystical noun.  When you go to a social gathering with an entourage and make a pact to leave with everyone else;  you find an "excuse" to get in a cab and disappear into night. 


Usage:  Most typically used in the form of a question.  Most typically followed by the word "situation" (A Gypsy Split Situation).  

Bang.  Bang.  Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Imagine me getting that Tender Touch.

Example A.  (Personal Quote)
"It's a blind date!  If he turns out to be a complete dog, I'll say I'm going to the bathroom and totes gypsy split."

Example B.  (In Conversation)

ENRICO:  Like, I don't even remember.
BESTIE:  What part?
ENRICO:  After 9pm.
BESTIE: We got to the club and you were dancing your face off.
ENRICO: Duh.
BESTIE:  You were dancing with some boy.
ENRICO: Duh.
BESTIE:  And the next I know, I turned around and you were gone.
ENRICO: Oh my god.  Was it a total gypsy split situation?


Example C.  (Origin)
KELVIN:  What does Gypsy split mean anyway?
ENRICO:  What do you mean?
KELVIN: Where did it originate?
ENRICO: Well, you know how Gypsy is like my favorite show ever.
KELVIN:  Okay.
ENRICO:  Well I'm obsessed with Baby June and you know she does a lot of splits.
KELVIN:  Um.  I'm not following.
ENRICO:  Splits.  Splits!  Like "I'm outta here, I'm gonna split".  
KELVIN:  What?
ENRICO:  Then I thought, "who does lots of splits?" Gypsy!  
KELVIN:   Then which came first, Gypsy or the idea about splits?  
ENRICO:  I don't remember.
KELVIN:  So what does Gypsy Split really mean?
ENRICO: Stop talking.   

 Gypsy Split SUCCESS!

 French Maid Split?!?!?! ACK!

CYBER OOPSIES: Jane Fonda's Workout

Back by popular demand!  An oldie but a goodie to tide you over until the weekend.  This video was taken about a year ago when I first moved into the apartment.  I vaguely recall staying home for the evening editing when I discovered the joys of how easy it was to click on my webcam.   Who knew the ride I was in for.   A glorious, hilarious ride!  Enjoy!

CYBER OOPSIES: A Million Gazillion Dollars

This will unveil a new section of Enrico's Euphemisms Blog that will include all things Facebook, Email, Voicemails, Text Messages, dating websites, etc.

CYBER OOPSIES #1 (Click HERE to Listen)

Our first installment of CYBER OOPSIES comes in the form of a voicemail left at 4:43am.


Disclaimer
Upon showing this voicemail to Enrico this afternoon, he responded, "For the record, I'm broke."

OOPSIES!!!!

EUPHIE #4: TENDER TOUCH

TENDER TOUCH [The Seventh Sense]

Definition:  sexy noun.  Physical contact with anyone of whom you are mildly attracted to.  Must inherently carry a sense of need, longing, desire.  The Tender Touch is often craved with passion. 


Usage:  Like Ghetto Mac, Tender Touch is also often prefaced with "dat".  "Dat Tender Touch".  In most cases, dat Tender Touch is cured by a night with dat Supple Meat (definition TBA).  

Spooning with wood.

Example A.  (Personal Quote)
"When is it going to stop raining?  I'm getting a case of cabin fever and I really need to go out and get dat tender touch."

Example B.  (In Conversation)

RENAISSANCE DINER WAITER:  What can I get you?
ENRICO: Coffee.  Spaghetti.  Coffee and Spaghetti.
WAITER:  You look tired, maybe you should go home.
ENRICO: Must. Find.  Tender.  Touch.


Example C.  (A Poem)

Monday Tuesday Wedn'sday for sure
Thursday Friday Saturday for more
Sunday, I won't ask if it's too much
Can't get enough of that Tender Touch. 

"Sorry, Latin Baby Beckhams.  I'll take dat Tender Touch 

anywhere I can get it!"

 BONUS Tender Touch Video: